Coping with the Death of a Child
By: Allison Gilbert
Not too long ago I came across The Unspeakable Loss: How Do You Live After a Child Dies?, a thoughtful and necessary book by psychotherapist and grief counselor Nisha Zenoff. Zenoff had extensive experience as a grief therapist, but even the many grief coping strategies she shared with clients over the years left her unprepared to handle the sudden death of her 17-year-old son Victor. After Victor died in a hiking accident, Zenoff wrote her first book. The heart of the book is not the death of Zenoff’s son, rather, it’s the urgent set of universal questions such as the ones below that Zenoff poses and then answers summarily for her readers:
“Will my tears ever stop?”
“Who am I now without my child?”
“How can I help my other children cope?”
“Will my marriage survive?”
The structure of The Unspeakable Loss is what makes the book such essential reading. Each Q & A is a quick and satisfying read and every section provides a soothing Band-Aid of support and information. Zenoff’s warm and welcoming approach acknowledges the outsize pain of losing a child, yet offers the kind of opportunity that gives permission to other bereaved parents to embrace life, love, and joy again.
For Zenoff, the decision to move forward involves honoring Victor’s love of the outdoors. She and her husband sprinkled his ashes along a dirt trail in the woods. Zenoff’s daughter named one of her daughters Victoria, in honor of her brother. Opportunities for remembering like these are just the types of meaningful strategies to help keep the memory of your loved one alive. When we create authentic opportunities for remembering, we honor what our family and friends still mean to us.
If you’re seeking a way to help a friend grieving the loss of a child, Zenoff’s book is a powerful gift. If you’ve lost a child, do yourself a favor — buy this book.
Allison Gilbert is co-author of the forthcoming book Listen, World!: How the Intrepid Elsie Robinson Became America's Most-Read Woman, the first biography of American writer Elsie Robinson (coming September 27, 2022). Her previous books include, Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive. On Allison’s popular grief and resilience blog, she features Q & A’s with some of the most notable names in our culture today including, Arianna Huffington, Jon Stewart, and bestselling authors Henry Louis Gates, Jr., Dani Shapiro, and Susan Orlean. She is host of "Women Journalists of 9/11: Their Stories,” a 20-part documentary series produced in collaboration with the 9/11 Memorial & Museum. Featured journalists include Savannah Guthrie, Maggie Haberman, Linda Wertheimer, Dana Bash, and many others.
Please take a moment to follow her on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. She’s everywhere as “agilbertwriter."
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